It takes the earth approximately 365 days to make one complete revolution around our sun. As it is revolving, it is also spinning on a tilt, taking approximately 24 hours to complete one spin, creating our nights and our days. Our moon takes longer to make one spin, and as it slowly spins, it also revolves around our planet. The planets are simultaneously in motion. Our solar system lays in an arm of our galaxy, which is also spinning. And as our galaxy is spinning, it, too, is moving toward a nearby galaxy and in millions of years, long after our sun has died, these galaxies will collide and coalesce, forming a completely new, larger galaxy. The point? Everything moves. And fast. And as this fast movement happens unnoticed by New Yorkers, life at the "center of the universe," New York City, continues. People move from one place to another to another. It seems like the norm is movement. Does this make "rest" abnormal?
New Years Eve in the City that never sleeps. It is said that New Years is a time for renewal. This year, in the spirit of change, I dedicated myself to several resolutions. 2012 would be a new year for me... the year of change.
To ring in the New Year, I decided to spend the night with my good friends Lauren, Jason, and Natasha. Lauren, a sports aficionado, was returning from her much-needed week away skiing the slopes of Utah's mountain country. We decided we'd do "something" for New Years, even if that something was nursing a bottle of wine for the evening. As it so happened, though, Natasha, another sports enthusiast, had other plans. Her fabulous sister Shana rented an apartment for the evening in SoHo. We would ring in New Years in an apartment as equally fabulous as the woman who rented it for the night.
After a night of debauchery on Thursday and Friday, I woke up late and journeyed to Bloomfield, Connecticut to spend a few hours with my good friends Sarah and Andrew. Sarah's children were celebrating a birthday. A few hours of fresh air, birthday treats, and good company, and I was energized for the forthcoming evening. I returned just in time to greet Jason and Lauren at my apartment uptown. While they began the evening in my kitchen, I began the evening changing into a wonderful little Versace shirt I picked up in Florence a few years back. And off we were into the night. Of course, Gloria Estefan and Chris Brown were our musical entertainers for the drive downtown. Whether it was the energy of it being an admittedly arbitrary fresh start on this night, or being with my friends, I felt high on life, among other things.
After some misadventures finding parking, we finally arrived to what would be our evening of fun and frivolity. My high on life quickly turned into a high on... fish. SoHo looked less like SoHo and more like... Chinatown. Actually, it was Chinatown. The apartment was located on a side-street above a fish market. Despite the fishiness of the situation, we would make the best of it. We greeted some friends of Shana and went into the apartment. As we entered, I held up a bottle of wine and exclaimed, "Happy New..." my enthusiasm trailed... plummeted off. Our fabulous SoHo loft was a windowless box the size of a small walk-in closet. Natasha sat on a toilet seat in the bathroom nursing a drink. Her countenance resembled at that moment Amy Winehouse smoking a cigarette after several drinks. Several party-goers were sitting around the room watching television and having beer. I turned to Lauren who turned to me. We immediately burst into laughter. Oh, how the mighty do fall.
Several minutes later, after meeting and greeting the party-goers, our consummate host for the evening showed. I realized, as this happened, where my eyes deviated. My eyes locked onto a very handsome young gentleman and good friend of Shana's. He informed us that he would be leaving to go to work momentarily at a gay bar called G-Lounge. We decided we'd meet him there. We would ring in the New Year out of the box apartment and out of the closet.
A few hours later, we found ourselves at G. Music blared, happy faces pushed and shoved through crowds, and we danced. I couldn't think of any place I would have rather been than with good friends among us gays. After a few hours, Lauren and I bid our friends adieu. I dropped her off and, rather than go back out, I decided I'd have a comfortably early evening (hit the sheets around 2am). This was interrupted, though. A half an hour later, I received a call from a friend who needed a place to crash for the evening. I agreed, of course, and spent much of the evening conversing over some beers. Later on, the G-Lounge employee came over to spend the remainder of the evening.
Laying in my bed in the wee hours of the morning, I began thinking about my resolutions. I had, in one night, managed to break almost all of them. Where was the change I committed myself to only a few days prior? Life is short, indeed, but if I was unable to be okay with myself, by myself, on New Years of all days, how would I manage the 364 other days of the year? Still, wasn't it alright to have a night of frivolity and debauchery? Doing so did not mean I didn't love myself or couldn't be by myself. In fact, maybe it meant I did love myself, giving myself permission to be 25 again. Everything moves and changes. Maybe 2012 was a year to be less like a stoically responsible adult and more like the cute, moderately young gay boy that I am.
The next day few days, I forced myself back into the swing of work. This proved especially difficult given the changes and goals I had set for myself. "G-Lounge" and I set a date for Wednesday. We'd have dinner and get to know one another, although the date would only amount to just that, dinner between two new friends. In the gay world, it's common for two guys who have sexual chemistry to have dinner and just be friends. And, in fact, I had no expectations. I was informed in advance that this particular young stud was currently dating someone else, but that they had an "understanding." I was fine with this given the circumstances: New Years, fun and frivolity, no expectations. I wondered, though, was this consistent with my new resolutions and what I have been open to for the past few years: a serious, long-term relationship? They do say everything happens for a reason. Was this a test of my newfound take on life? Is it okay to grab life by its proverbial balls?
Over dinner, I began thinking about my own life. I am only 29 years old, and there I was with a beautiful young 26 year old, abs and ass for days, smile to light up a room, great laugh, who had his whole life ahead of him. A life that would be filled with love, loss, mistakes, trials, errors, offers, stardom, and beauty. I realized what I was thinking at that moment. I was only a couple of years older... Did that make such a difference in perspective? As I listened to him, I got the impression that the one thing he was missing was a sense of stability. But then, doesn't having your whole life ahead of you inherently create a sense of instability by virtue of that unknown? Can one be stable in the unknown? Somehow, our moon stays in orbit of the earth, as it spins around the sun, as the sun spins around billions of other stars... somehow, everything flows and does not spin out of control, and the chaos that would be becomes a beautiful ballet of movement and form and symmetry. Perhaps stability, balance, is something within your inner spirit. Movement does not have to be indicative of restlessness and the unknown of the future does not have to be indicative of a lack of focus, or direction.
The next day, Jason gave me a belated Christmas gift. It was a painted picture of a butterfly. Butterflies are the quintessential organism to represent change, short of ducklings into swans. It takes caterpillars different lengths of times to become butterflies, depending on the species. Every species is different. And when they do, this little worm of a species becomes a beautiful, free spirit. Before New Years, it had been my goal, my resolution, to do just that: focus on me, do the things that made me feel good, and enjoy this life. Had I done that over these past few days? Needless to say, it was the perfect gift at the perfect moment. I felt like this week I had faltered on the promises I had made to myself. I had become weak, succumbing to confusion.
A few days later, I found myself having drinks yet again with Shana, G-Lounge, Natasha, and some other new friends. While having drinks, G-Lounge approached me, 'Listen, I'm not all over you or anything because some good friends of the guy I am dating is here.' He later told me he said this out of respect, but for some reason this reality check made me feel a certain way and, at the time, I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was. I told myself I didn't need to know this and that it didn't make a difference anyway: I had no expectations and he and I weren't even dating. We relocated to another bar and picked up my spirits with a little dancing with a boy called Jerel. Somewhere in the ass shaking, spinning, and revolutions around the small dance floor of the Toolbox, something that could only be matched by the movements of the planets themselves, I perked up. I felt sufficiently ready to call it a night and managed to get home in time to have one more beer with this fabulous group of new friends, who was staying the night (or morning, as it were) in my living room. A week of work and running around made me tired, so I crawled in and out of my bed. I felt like an old man. An old man whose adult responsibilities were intruding on my desire to "stay up" and enjoy my company. Finally, the need to sleep overcame me and I resigned myself to bed. G-Lounge entered my room, and this desire to sleep quickly changed to other desires. Only, this time, something seemed different. I found myself just wanting to talk and get to know G more-so. The next morning, we did talk some. And as he and the rest of my company left to have brunch, I felt a million miles away from myself. I couldn't figure out why.
I decided to have brunch with my good friend Oswaldo. We met at a quaint little restaurant called Arte Cafe in the posh Upper West Side. Somewhere between the second and third mimosa, I began recounting my recent week to Oso. "I felt an insecurity like I was 23 again..." After explaining this further, he replied, "That was 23!" What was it that was causing me such angst?
And from the Upper West Side to Hell's Kitchen, I found myself having dinner with my cousin and her fiance, a reputable artist named Scrapworm. "Let' me ask you guys a question... you guys have known me for a very long time. How would you characterize my personality? Am I a prude? Do I come across as being too serious? Am I too responsible?" I framed this question for them, giving them the play-by-play of the week. We discussed. We discussed everything from relationships, getting into relationships, staying in them, what couples talk about, the subtle but prevalent pressures to conform to certain perceived standards in the gay community, drugs, sex, and rock and roll... After this, I realized, this insecurity was me feeling the need to conform to certain standards in hopes of getting into a relationship. At 29... at 27... hell, at 25, I was and I am so passed the one night stand. It's happened, I do it, but it's not what I am open to or, in the end, what I want. Saturday night and I decided to enjoy a few glasses of wine with my friend Oswaldo in his fabulous loft apartment where we spent the evening watching Clockwork Orange. It was a necessary end to a week filled with self-reflections, doubts, and questions.
I woke up this morning to a dream. In the dream, I was a child desperately trying to garner love and attention from someone who was absent in my life. I couldn't do it. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get the love I sought and I was tortured for it. I woke up with a startled revelation: for years, even when I had convinced myself otherwise, I had done exactly that... seek unrequited love. This insight into my own psychology, though difficult to face, proved most useful.
In the gay community, there is such a pressure to be a certain way, to do certain things, to look a certain way. I am not a bad looking guy by any means, nor am I an adonis, and I am fine with that. At 29 years old, I am still learning and growing, but now, more than ever, I know who I am, I know what is important in life, and I have a level head on my shoulders. I have nothing but love to give, starting with the love I give first and foremost to myself. And wherever someone is at in their own evolution, it makes no sense to judge or criticize them as a defense mechanism out of some inept insecurity. In my relationships, when someone isn't where I think they should or could be, I realize now that I've looked for whatever I could find that I believe is wrong with them in order to make myself feel better about myself. The reality is, I had to take a long hard look at myself. I can be open to others but still be true to myself and that self is just fine just the way it is. When I go to the gym, it's not because I want to look better to get a date, and it's okay if that's why you go to the gym. But for me, it's to make myself feel good. My motivations reside inside of myself, not out of any spirit of competition, insecurity, or pressure to conform.
I can be responsible and still live life each day. I have eliminated the expectation within myself to "have it all," yet I still have high standards for life. I can have fun but I don't have to do everything at once. In short, like every celestial body, I can have and maintain a balance: I am stable within myself and yet I live in the unknown of the future. I can have fun, do the "hook up" thing, or not, and that doesn't make me any less or more of a person. I know what I want in another person, and I am not in a rush to find that other person anymore. When the time is right, love will come my way, and until then, and even then, I will do me, whatever that looks like. I suppose this dalliance actually resulted in a confirmation of my resolutions. Perhaps I didn't forget my resolutions after all. Perhaps I was actually living them after all. And in the end, I am nothing but excited about the next 364 days of revolution around the sun.
Some revisions needed. Not my best... not my worst.
ReplyDelete